Wednesday, November 20, 2013

all he wants for Christmas

Jimmy has decided what he really wants for Christmas is toe nail clippers he controls with his mind. The clippers would even take off his shoes and socks. The trick (that he thinks is most hysterical) is that he never, ever wants to have his nails clipped, so he'd never use the clipper.

He's a thinker, that one.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

this post is full of scathing sarcasm

Dear Burglars,

Thanks so much for choosing our home to break into. The mess you made illustrated that we can always be messier. Thank you for opening our eyes to that notion.

We appreciate the fact that you managed to miss any cash laying around and instead found our old iPod Shuffle and all of our computer cords. I'm sure those will be very helpful to you in your career.

You left the office in a harmony of disaster and genius. The files that contained anything of value to you were cleverly left untouched. The files that contained non-valuable things were wonderfully askew. You managed to trick us into thinking you had broken Nate's otoscope and his surgical loops, you jokesters!

The potted plant (which by the way is the only indoor plant I've been able to keep alive and thriving) was thrown across the kitchen floor and smashed with great flourish. I can tell you take great pride in your work.

The candy jar you opened and then discarded indicates to me that we need to keep better quality candy at hand for intruders.

I do hope you enjoy Grace's clarinet. If you choose not to pawn it, perhaps you can take it up as a new hobby (if your career permits time for hobbies, that is).

Your best work was in our bedroom. The art and skill you used to destroy any and all organization leaves me astounded. We so appreciate the opportunity you gave us to do a complete inventory of all of our undies. The idea of a stranger rummaging through my underwear gave me an immediate compulsion to do laundry. That was fun. Thank you.

I do find fault with your jewelry thievery. If you are so set on stealing my jewelry, I wish you would have taken both black pearl earrings instead of just one. That was a terrible oversight on your part.

My last beef with you is about my pillowcases. I completely understand the smashed screen (obviously that was necessary), I understand the disaster of the sock drawers, I even understand your dislike for my candy. What I don't understand is that if you felt it necessary to take two of my pillowcases couldn't you have taken two matching ones???

Sincerely,
The Mom from the Family You Thieved